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  • Lesbian Vampire Killers
    • Lesbian Vampire Killers
    • Runtime:86 min
    • Release Date:2017-01-22 19:17:45
    • Director: Phil Claydon
    • Genres: Action, Comedy, Horror
    • Studio:
MOVIE REVIEW:Lesbian Vampire Killers


(Credit IMDb) Centuries ago, Baron Wolfgang MacLaren vanquished the
Vampire Queen Carmilla in the remote Cragwich; however, before
decapitating the evil vampire, she curses the locals and descendants of
the baron, swearing that every woman would turn into a lesbian vampire
on the eighteenth birthday. On the present days, the clumsy and naive
cuckold Jimmy is dumped again by his girlfriend Judy and misses her.
His best friend Fletch is fired in his job of clown after hitting an
annoying boy. The two friends are broken and decide to camp in the
countryside to forget their problems, and Jimmy throws a dart in a map
in a pub to decide where they should go. They head to Cragwich and when
they arrive in the bar Baron's Rest, they see four hot girls leaving
the place in a Kombi. The innkeeper offers the old Mircalla cottage in
the woods for them, the same place the girls will lodge. Meanwhile,
Lotte, Heide,…

I rented this out of pure curiosity, due to the titling itself. I
really didn't expect much for a film of this nature, and I pretty much
got what I bargained for. It's nothing downright horrible, but nothing
overly amusing either. It tries so hard to follow in the vain of Shaun
of the Dead, but it doesn't have the laughs or the talent to accomplish
that feat. The characters themselves aren't very intriguing, and it
really only gained steam for me in the final 35 minutes or so.

Bottom line. Mediocre sums up the word for this movie perfectly. Don't
remember much about it, don't really care too. Worth a look I guess,
but it's vastly forgettable.

4 ½ /10


Like the lad's magazines whose custom base this 'film' is aimed at,
there are models posing as actors without much clothing and a pair of
unlikely lads cracking post-Pegg & Frost type jokes. The script is
indescribably bad, beige chat peppered with hokey, irony-impermeable
Medievalisms and stumbling over James Corden's psychotic need to make
jokes that he needn't. Employing Paul McGann is an impotent bid for the
cult market. The ideas are expended by a third of the way through – a
possible digression over the vicar's daughter is wasted and a belated
attempt to bring it back from the dead half-hearted. With the exception
of the effortfully professional lighting, design and
under-the-circumstances photography this is a complete waste of
everybody's time and money. 1/10


I have been really looking forward to this movie after seeing the nice
trailer back in 2009. But yet again, it turned out to be a big
disappointment. While everything in this movie looked really cool, and
the girls have been really sexy and beautiful, the script had nothing
to offer. Bad story, bad characters, and an awfully silly humor. I
think I had to smirk a single time in the movie after hearing the idea
of gay were wolfs. Overall, the trailer has been more funny, than the
movie itself. And I don't think that this can be said about any other
movie. This is one of those movies, where the constant bad and silly
jokes, destroy all atmosphere, all story, all tension, all interest in
the characters – simply everything.


I'll leave all the "for a vampire movie this sure does suck" jokes to
others, and the follow ups with similar punchlines about Lesbians to
the pros.

When you name your movie "Lesbian Vampire Killers" the only thing you
can be certain of is that you have a 1% chance of being a classic. At
best you will have an amusing and (hate the word) quirky 80 minutes, at
worst you will have yet another sh***y movie, only with a catchy title.

I'll get my obvious whinge out early, the movie revolves around a
skinny guy who has a dysfunctional relationship with his on/off
girlfriend, and his fat useless mate, who in this case has just been

Remind you of anything? It is exactly the same set up for Shaun of the
Dead, only that was done far better and exceeded any and all
expectations. Also both flicks are British so it is impossible that
they weren't aware of SotD, surely switching up the formula just a

For what it's worth the story goes the town of Cragwich is subject to
an ancient vampiric curse which turns every girl in the village into a
lesbian vampire when they turn 18, if your town simply must be cursed
you could do worse as a bloke.

Sure enough Jimmy (skinny – recently dumped) and Fletch (fat – recently
sacked) decide to randomly visit the town to get away from it all. Once
they get to the town they visit the local bar and are directed down to
an empty cabin down the road, as they hear there are some hot chicks
also on the way they decide not to look a gift horse in the mouth and
get moving.

Sure enough they hook up with the four hot Folklore students, who for
some reason take a shine to a fat idiot and a skinny nerdish looking
fellow, and they are just getting somewhere when they are beset on all
sides by… drum roll please… Lesbian Vampires.

Here's where it gets silly(er), it turns out that there is a prophecy
(of course), which involves a sword, virgin blood, Jimmy being "the
one", and the Queen vampire called Carmella being raised from the dead,
and so on and so forth. It's all quite irrelevant really, the movie is
all SotD, "From Dusk till Dawn" with dashes of Army of Darkness and
some stoogery in between.

At least the cast know it ain't Shakespeare and treat the material as
such, all the while vampires explode into massive streams of pasty goo
and Fletch tries every joke in the book (and mostly fails). The
vampires are all suitably hot, with strategically placed billowy
outfits or shadows 90% of the time, it's a bit like watching scrambled
porn (I would imagine).

The finale is just silly, vampires swaying and pretending that they are
being warded off or fearsome depending on what is being waved at them,
and the good guys trying to act humorous and at least sorta scared.

If you're a guy, and the title suggests anything to you aside from
instant derision, you're gonna watch this at some point, which when you
think of it is a spark of genius by the film-makers. You already know
without checking any reviews that the forecast calls for largely
terrible with a chance of boobie, and really for most guys that should
be enough.

I've now obviously seen it and written about it, and I guarantee I'd be
hard pressed in a week or so to tell you anything about this movie than
what is largely different from the title, it's a throwaway movie but as
such does it's job well.

The one thing I could do without was the persistent vaguely homophobic
jokes along the lines of "I'm worried I'll get bummed", I lost count at
about 6 attempts at such "comedy" through the pic. I don't even
particularly care about the jokes, they are more stupid than offensive,
it's just lazy on the writer's part to even think for a second that
they were laugh out loud funny, (and if they are I missed the point

Final Rating – 5.5 / 10. It's shlocky, tacky and mostly terrible, but
at 75 minutes it's over quick. Better with friends present so you can
at least share in the B-movie bad/goodness.

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