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  • Mean Machine
    • Mean Machine
    • Runtime:99 min
    • Release Date:2017-01-16 07:58:56
    • Director: Barry Skolnick
    • Genres: Comedy, Drama, Sport
    • Studio:


I just found this at my local library, and I was surprised I hadn't
heard of it before. Now that I've seen it, I can see why it had gone
unnoticed. Featuring a cadre of the main actors from "Greenfingers" and
"Lock, Stock, & Two Smoking Barrels", when the opening credits rolled
and I saw "Based on the film 'The Longest Yard'", I went "Uh oh". Being
an American, is it unpatriotic of me to say I this is nearly the equal
of the original? Of course, there's very few movies with Burt Reynolds
that are worth more than a glance("Deliverance" being a huge
exception). While "The Longest Yard" tried to be so hip and
anti-establishment, "Mean Machine" is just fun, and we get to see David
Kelly play a sweet old fart. Now there's a surprise, but he's so good
at it! One-time sex symbol David Hemmings gets a big nod just for his
eyebrows, which are massive, but he has this air of barely-controlled
rage that I always enjoy, such as in "Last Orders", and I enjoyed
seeing Vinnie Jones with long hair. Hey, it's only about an inch long,
but that's long compared to most of his roles. There's some pathos, a
tiny bit of sex, and some barely-adequate, mostly slapstick & boots in
the groin humor. My favorite funny bit was the football commentary by
Bob & Bob(Jason Flemyng & Jake Abraham), and the fact the guards' side
wore kit that looked like Barstoneworth United("Ripping Yarns"- "Golden
Gordon") All in all, as a prison movie, this is no "Green Mile". It's
barely up with "Lucky Break". As a soccer/football movie, it's no
"Goal!", but it's better than what I'd expect "Soccer Dog" was. It's
fun, I was entertained, and that's not a bad thing. The only truly
terrible thing is it forced me to look back at the work of Burt
Reynolds for this review.


*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Vinnie Jones – about as Welsh as Sean Connery – was the worst
footballer ever to play for Wales.I realise that's rather a rash
statement but I'd back it up by saying he was the worst player ever to
turn out for Wimbledon,a team not known for their adherence to the
"Beautiful Game" ethos.His fame – apart from nearly crippling
Liverpool's star winger in the second minute of the 1988 Cup Final -
rests mainly on a photograph of him squeezing boy – child Paul
Gascoigne's testicles in a tender moment.That really says all you need
to know about him. Reading his Filmography just now I am mystified at
the number of movies he has graced with his presence.Is it just me?
Anyhow,"Mean Machine" is typical of the no – brainer bullet – headed
roles he accepts as to the manner born. Appalling overacting by
everybody,limping direction,Am – Dram production values and a script
written by a computer set to "Cockney " mode…..and they're the good
points…. Even with 10 pints of Stella and a Mutton vindaloo down your
gullet it's still frankly unbearable.


The Mean machine is about a former England soccer player who due to his
reckless attitude lands up in a prison where he goes on to train the
inmates for an important game.The Hollywood remake 'THE LONGEST YARD'
is a better version of MEAN MACHINE if you ask me,still an original has
to be appreciated (unless its an absolute trash) and mean machine is
not bad at all.The story is excellent.the performances are pretty
decent,it deserves 6-7 out of 10 mainly because of the script &

Vinnie Jones who is always entertaining and this is no exception to
it,so to sum it up id say the movie is good (could have been a lot
better) and definitely more than just a look,as i said if you have
already seen THE LONGEST YARD you might find Mean Machine tad dull than
the former….


This film is about a disgraced national football coach who gets
imprisoned for assault. He coaches the prison football team to play
against the guards.

While watching the first half of the film, I was so sure that I would
not enjoy it. All the roughness and senseless violence put me off
completely. However, as soon as the football match kicks in, I was
amazed by the way it lifts my spirits. The match occupies 30 minute
screen time, but there is not a second of boredom. Instead, it is so
mightily engaging and thoroughly intense. It felt as if I was there to
experience the match, and just like everyone, I was hoping for the
ultimate pride that would last forever. I am truly impressed by the
incredible story telling of "Mean Machine".

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